On August 4, 2006, my life forever changed when my beloved mother, Estella M. Clinton, suffered a massive stroke, an intracerebral hemorrhage. This is the most deadliest type of stroke, as there isn't anything the doctor can do to stop the bleeding of the brain. However, I'm happy to announce that my mother survived this storke and is currently in a rehabilitation center recovering. Even though she's improving, I'm still a mess.

My emotions have been all over the place. I have lost focus wheras I can't concentrate for an extended period of time. I'm very nervous and jumpy everytime the phone rings. I have become paranoid where I turn my phone off at night, not wanting to hear any bad news; and I panic everytime I see a family member's name on my caller id. Consequently, I have slowly been driving myself insane. So, I had to make a decision, but I couldn't figure out what I was going to do to pull myself out of the funk that I had been in for the past six or so months. Then, it came to me one day to write about this experience dealing with a family member who has had a stroke.

I wrote an outline of the book that I'm going to write, entitled The Fourth of August The Day the Clinton Family was affected by a Stroke. The plan sounded good, but there was one problem. I had lost my motivation to write. Through my ordeal, it was as if I forgot how to formulate a sentence. I became distraught and even more depressed.

Then, the Lord sent me help through a friend, Joe. He convinced me to write a short story, just to see if I could get my writing motivation back. It worked, as I finished the short story. It was a very rough go, but I made it through. Now, I can begin work on the novel about my mother.

Joe, I cannot thank you enough for your support. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I'm forever indebted to you.

If you would like to read the short story entitled, Should Have Known Better, visit my website at www.jaundreclinton.com and click on Short Story. I may turn this short story into a full length novel one day.

Thanks for allowing me to share my story with you. Until next time, J. Aundre'

The purpose of this blog is to express my feelings toward a hot topic that has been resonating in my mind a lot of the past few years- The Difficulties of Finding a Solid Relationship. It’s sad that it has been thirteen years since I have been in a long term relationship. Don’t get me wrong however, I have dated during this time; but I have yet to find anyone of substance or someone who TRULY wanted to build a solid foundation. I continuously run into guys that are card carrying members of the “Excuse Club.”

Take for example this guy, who shall remain nameless, that I just met a few weeks ago. He talked a very good game, telling me how much he wanted to get to know me because he found himself very attracted to me, and he thinks I’m so nice, blah, blah, blah. He asked me out on a date, and I accepted. The date was wonderful and the conversation was great. I was thinking to myself, “Wow, what a great guy. I’m definitely going to pursue this one.” It didn’t take long though before my bubble burst. Almost three weeks to the day that we met, he informs me that he and his ex boyfriend have decided to give it another try. I listened intently as he went on to tell me that he thinks I’m a very, very, very nice guy, and he’s very attracted to me and thinks that we have great conversation. However, he just wanted me to know where he head is and not lead me on. In addition, he’s hoping that we can build a solid friendship.

That should be commendable, except there is one problem that I have with this story. If he and his ex were talking about getting back together, this wasn’t a gradual process that just happened over night. He had to have known this before he started pursuing me, so why waste my time? That’s what I don’t get. As far as us building a friendship is concerned, I don’t think so. I cannot be friends with someone who can’t be honest with me from the beginning. My philosophy is put all your cards on the table and let me decide whether I want to get involved with you or not. It wasn’t up to him to decide for me, which in essence his did, by giving me only half truths when I asked him if he was dating, involved, etc.

The good thing is that situations like this don’t hurt anymore. They only make me feel numb as I have been run over by that train before. I keep asking myself what is it going to take for men to stop their bullshit and be honest about what it is that they want. I guess the world may never know.

What’s most annoying to me is the type of excuses that I have heard over the years. Here are a few of them:

“You are such a great guy and you deserve someone who can give you better than what I can.”

“I thought I wanted someone, but I realized that I’m not ready yet. I hope we can still be friends.”

"I have the Madonna Complex when it comes to you.” You’re probably just as curious about this one as I was. Here’s what the Madonna Complex is: For some men, love and sex don't mix. For them, love is reserved for 'good' women, and sex is reserved for 'bad' women. In cases of the Madonna/Whore Complex (or Syndrome), a husband's relationship with his wife may be based upon the unmet intimacy needs he had as an infant. He may unconsciously seek out a woman who reminds him of his mother so that those needs can finally be met.

When these men marry, they will marry a 'good' woman, a virginal woman. They will love her, they will protect her, and they will treasure her. But they don't feel comfortable having sex with her once they marry. It would be 'dirty', like having sex with their own mother -- the purest 'good' woman in their life. And, once their wife becomes the mother of their children, the lines blur even more for him between his wife and his mother.

You probably got a good laugh from that one, as that excuse had nothing to do with me. It’s truly sad that he couldn’t come up with a better one than that. I’m grateful at this point in my life that I didn’t allow those experiences to cloud my judgment and result in bitterness. However, I still get annoyed because as grown men we should be honest with one another without fear of being rejected or being scolded.

Although I haven’t given up on love per se, it does seem that I’m heading in that direction. No one could have told me that at 34 years old that I would still be single with no potential prospects. I would have called them a liar to their face. However, the unfortunate truth is I’m very much single and may be that way for the rest of my life. I’m hoping that won’t be the case; but if it does become my reality, I can deal with it.

All in all, honesty is the best policy. If you’re not feeling someone, you should just tell them instead of coming up with a "lame ass excuse." And they shouldn’t take it personally. I will leave you with this food for thought. “No matter how sexy, good looking, muscular, fat, slender, etc you are, you will always NOT be someone’s type.”

As we have seen in the news this week, the Senate has been debating on the Marriage Protection Amendment, which would define marriage as solely the union of one man and one woman.  It is the argument of the Bush Administration, some Republicans and the Right-Wing Conservatives that by allowing homosexuals to marry would upset the sanctity of marriage. The reason behind this logic is that it would destroy the sacredness of marriage because marriage is critical to the well-being of families as families pass along values and shape character.  Marriage is also critical to the health of society.  Therefore by allowing gays to marry it would undermine the family structure.

Is it just me or does this reasoning make NO sense whatsoever?  First, let’s explore what constitutes a family structure and what constitutes a marriage.  A family unit can consist of several different things- a fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or more parents and their children; or two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another and reside usually in the same dwelling place; or all the members of a household under one roof.  Now, let’s look at the word marriage as it applies to us today- a legal contract binding two people together typically one man and one woman.  This being said, how can gays having the right to marry undermine the family structure?  As I see it based on the definition of both words, once two people enter into a marriage contract they automatically become a family unit as they are sharing goals and long-term commitments to one another.  So in this case, what is being damaged?  Nothing.

  In addition, the President talks about how families pass on values and shape character.  So, should we blame the family and hold them responsible when one of its’ members goes astray and becomes a murderer or a rapist or a thief or a drug dealer, etc?  If we’re going to follow the President’s logic, then they should be held accountable for acts their family member committed against society, since after all that particular family member learned their values and their character from the family unit.  Oh but that’s unreasonable you say.  It’s not anymore unreasonable than the President and others thinking that by allowing gays to marry is going to destroy family values.  There’s no basis for their argument just as there is no basis for us to hold the family unit responsible for crimes committed by one of the family members.  Yet, we still hear this explanation being used to deny homosexuals their unalienable rights.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not for ‘gay marriage” nor am I against it.  My problem with this issue has to do with the fact that the President is trying to have discrimination written into the constitution.  Prejudice should not exist on the federal or state level.  It is not right nor is it fair to try and deny someone the right to share life with someone that they love no matter the gender of the person.  It is simply wrong no matter how they try to rationalize it.  We also have to remember the words of our Founding Fathers, “We hold these truths to be self-evident that ALL men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness”.   It seems to me that the Declaration of Independence holds true unless you’re a homosexual.  Then, one becomes an alien or better yet a second class citizen in their own country.  This is simply unbelievable.

Since President Bush and the Right-Wing Conservatives are so concerned about preserving the sanctity of marriage and the family structure, I have an idea for them.  How about banning divorce?  The dissolving of a marriage can have devastating effects on children and rip families apart.  So in all fairness, marriage should be a lifetime commitment- one man and one woman for life.  Or would that divorce ban by the government be an intrusion into individual rights?  Wait a minute, isn’t that the same thing that they are trying to do to gays to keep them from being able to marry by intruding into their lives to keep them from legally being with the person they love and giving legal protection to that partnership?  You bet it’s an intrusion.  Unfortunately, there are a group of people who don’t see it that way or at least are not trying to see it because it doesn’t appeal to their agenda- selfish agenda if you ask me.

The argument about protecting the sanctity of marriage is such a joke with the divorce rate being as high as it is in this country.  Here’s a scenario, a couple spends thousands of dollars on their ceremony.  The bride comes out in a white gown- suppose to signify her purity but we all know she’s been sleeping with the groom long before the ceremony.  That’s another Oprah Show, but I digress.  They take their vows and may stay married for a year or two, and then they divorce, find new partners and do it all over again.  Is this the kind of “sanctity of marriage” the president and his cohorts are trying to protect?  Therefore, it is my conclusion that there is nothing sacred about getting married; again if it was so sacred, we wouldn’t have divorce.  We have to take it for what it is- a legal binding contract between two people.  That’s it, nothing more nothing less. 

My final thought is about the states putting this issue on the ballots to allow the voters to decide.  I disagree with this idea as it is NOT an issue that should be left up to popular vote.  Just imagine if the abolishment of slavery was left up to the voters.  Do you honestly think the people would have voted to ban slavery?  I don’t think so.  And what about other social issues that this nation has been faced with over the years, such as segregation, voting rights for women and minorities, interracial marriage, etc?  We would still be faced with these issues today if it were not for the government realizing that these practices of discrimination were wrong.  Why don’t they see that now?

That’s a simple answer.  The Right Wingers are full of contradictions. It appears to me that they live by the principle “love thy neighbor” unless they are gay, African-American, Hispanic, Jewish or Muslim, etc.  “Thou shall not kill” unless the people being killed are not like you.  These double standards are sad to say the least. 

It’s fine that the President and his cronies don’t agree with gays getting married, but is it right for them to try to impose their bias and prejudice on everyone else?  And to think we live in a country that is suppose to be free and the home of the brave.  Yeah right! 

In closing, these issues seem to stem from something deeper than just “gay marriage”.  It seems to me that there is confusion in this debate as it has become a religious issue as oppose to what it truly is- a social issue.  The bottom line is basic civil rights and liberties are given to one group and denied to another.  We cannot stand nor tolerate this taking place in this country.  So, I challenge everyone to think about this, what if the shoe was on the other foot?  What if you were told that you couldn’t marry or protect the person you chose to love?  I’m sure you wouldn’t like that, so stop trying to deny gays and lesbians the same rights.

The title of this blog probably made you immediately think about Brandy's song, Have You Ever.  However, this piece is about my feelings toward work not love.  That's another blog entry.  

I was sitting at my desk wondering if there are other people out there who feel the same way that I do when it comes to employment.  Have you ever felt like you were just working to pay bills?  Have you ever felt as if you were just wasting away doing a job that you hate?  Have you ever felt that you work all those hours with little to show for it when you get paid? 

Those are the kind of thoughts that I'm having now, feeling like all I do is work just to pay bills and have very little to show for it after my expenses are paid.  Those feelings have led too many frustrating days.  I've gotten to the point where I don't want to get up and go to work.  I'm grumpy and mentally fatigued while I am in the office.  So, I began to question myself, "Is it really about the money?"

The immediate answer was yes.  It is about the money or lack of not getting paid enough.  However after further exploration, I discovered that money is only a small part of what I am feeling.  The biggest problem has to do with me not getting any joy or satisfaction from what I do.  It doesn't require me to think or put forth much effort, as I can do my work in my sleep.  That would explain why I'm grumpy and mentally out of it when I'm in the office.

Don't get me wrong money is very important, as we need it to survive.  However, I have discovered that the true joy and satisfaction comes from enjoying what you're doing.  In other words, doing a job that you're passionate about.  Easier said than done I know.  However, it's important for us to take the necessary steps to live our passion as we will become happier and more productive.

There are three things that I'm passionate about, writing, acting and tennis.  I'm too old and not good enough to become a professional tennis player, so that leaves writing and acting.  I have the writing covered for the most part, as I have written two novels.  Now, all I have to do is get the money to effectively advertise and market my work.  I'm working on that as I'm typing this piece.

Last but certainly not least is the acting.  Acting was my first love, as I wanted to be an actor more so than anything else in the world.  I went to college and obtained a degree in theatre and film, and after graduating, I basically threw it away.  I put my focus and concentration elsewhere, which left a void in my life.  Recently though, that fire to act has hit me again.  I want to get back on the stage and do something that brings me so much pleasure, so I took a very important step on  yesterday.  I auditioned for a local theatre in my area.  I will find out one day this week whether I get the lead role or not.  I'm crossing my fingers. 

So, the moral of this piece is; as important as money is to all of us, it will play only a small part in bringing us happiness and joy when it comes to our work, job or career.  It's very important to find that thing or things that we love and persue it.  This may take some scarifice on our part, as we may have to go back to school, take training courses, take a pay cut until we gain more experience in that area, etc.  However, don't become discouraged because in the end it will work itself out to our advantage.

Thanks for reading my blog and until next time I'm J. Aundre' Clinton.  Peace.